trying to get through it all.....Long post. includes pictures and funeral information

WARNING....this post will be long and will include a couple images at the end. those who do not like knowing details or who would not like to view our beautiful little boy probably shouldn't read this. things have been so busy since Elliot came out and i've had a hard time figuring out how to do this post. i know there are people waiting for another update so we'll see how this goes. this is by far the hardest thing i have had to experience but still there are so many little blessings and wonderful memories of my precious son. things seemed to be going so well on monday and i was able to relax while the boys were at school and my mom had my girls for a few hours. i'd decided to share the blog with anyone who was interested in knowing what was going on in our lives and so i added the link to my fb page and then ate my lunch and relaxed for a few minutes before having to get up to use the bathroom again (i did that quite a bit for the days i was down because i was drinking so much water). i hadn't had any kind of pain or anything so expected a normal trip to the bathroom and back to the couch so i left my phone on the couch since it was out of my pocket and didn't feel like packing it to the bathroom. baby Elliot decided that while i was away from my phone it would be a good time to make a surprise appearance. i felt a gush of fluids come out after i went to the bathroom and then reached down as i felt him coming out. i went into shock a little but knew i needed to get back to my phone to call for help and had read on many blog sites over the past week how many people wished they had taken more pictures right away. his cord was still tightly attached and the placenta was not coming out so i grabbed a towel to help make sure i wouldn't make a mess on the way to my phone if i did begin to bleed heavily or something and rushed back to the living room where i frantically looked around for the location of my camera and worked on making the calls i needed to make. as soon as ben got word that Elliot hadn't made it he left work and rushed home (probably going way faster than he should have based on how quickly it seemed like he arrived). i attempted several times to call my mom but her phone was busy and i had to keep trying. she ended up having to call me back and came as soon as she could with the girls. i also called a couple of my closest friends to let them know. things seemed to happen so quickly as i sat there with my camera getting whatever pictures i could manage with my hands shaking and being in shock. i had a bear and a blanket for Elliot so i got those out and took a few pictures of him with those. the hardest part was that he kicked just after he came out and there was still blood pumping through him for quite a while after he was out. watching as his tiny heart beat and knowing there was nothing in the world i could do was unimaginably hard because he was so perfect. ben got home and made sure i was doing ok and spent a few minutes with us before my mom got here. once my mom was here with the girls we decided that ben better pick up the boys from school because i would need to go to the hospital soon and we wanted to be able to let the kids all see the baby so they would understand better what went on. ben got the boys and i gave all of the kids a chance to see Elliot, get pictures with him and hold him if they wished because i didn't know what would happen from there or if they would have any more chances to even see his tiny body. all i could do is cry as my 2 year old sat by me and asked why the baby came out. a couple of my closest friends stopped by before i had to go and knowing that i had all that support from my family and my friends really helped me begin to get through everything. my mom and brothers stayed with my kids while ben took me to the hospital about 45 minutes away. it rained much of the way there and i tried to relax as much as i could and just enjoy every second i got to hold my baby in my hands. he was so tiny and i just couldn't get over looking at him....wanting to memorize every detail of his little body. once we got to the hospital they brought a wheelchair out and i cried all the way through the hospital wishing it was just another bad dream and that i could wake up with everything being just fine. we got up to my exam room and the room flooded with nurses and doctors. by then i really needed to use the bathroom again and we were all hoping that when i did that the placenta would just come out but it didn't. they clamped and cut the cord and the doctor did and exam to see what was going on. i asked the nurse if they might be able to get any footprints at that stage or if he was just to small and delicate for that and she said she would try. she did an amazing job and i know i will forever be grateful to have those tiny prints. they found that the placenta hadn't detached and they would have to preform a d&c to get it out and make sure everything else was cleaned out. they tried to put my iv in and it didn't work in one arm so they had to try the other (i've always hated having to have ivs in). doctors and nurses continued to pour in and out of my room talking about the things they could try to do for us to help with memories and with coping with everything while we waited for an operating room to open up. they weighed Elliot and said he was 3.6 oz and 18 and a half cm long. they were able to arrange for someone to do pictures while i was out and had a company come in to cast his hand and foot if they could so we can get a 3d display of his hand and/or foot. in the mean time back home we'd asked my mom to find out about the details and chances of being able to bury the baby so we wouldn't have to leave him for the hospital to dispose of or whatever not knowing what happens at that point. when we were able to connect to give her our updates and get the updates from her we learned that the cemetery had a donated plot that they were willing to give us and so the costs wouldn't be quite so much. my mom told me if we wanted to bury the baby it would all be taken care of and we could put him at the cemetery in my hometown. we decided that would be our best option and the hospital started working on figuring out arrangement so that we could bring the baby back. the time came quickly for my surgery and they offered me several different options for how out i would be and how much i wouldn't feel and whether i wanted something that would make it so that i wouldn't remember anything from the several hours around surgery time. i chose the lightest option for blocking and told them not to give me anything that would make it so i wouldn't remember things because i wanted to remember every detail of every second i got to spend with my baby boy. once they got me in the operating room the doctor got called out on emergency to help with a delivery in the next room over so we had to wait until he finished there before they would put me to sleep and get started on things. once he came back and they started the process for putting me to sleep i don't remember anything until i was waking up in the recovery room hearing them talk. my throat was extremely sore from the breathing tube (and still is very sore) but over all i felt ok. they said i'd lost about 200cc of blood but things were looking good and they thought i would recover alright so they kept me for a couple hours for observation before getting ready to send me home. i got to hold my sweet baby all the way back home and found out that the weather had been quite unusual for the evening with rain and hail and thunder and lightning. the hospital was suppose to call the mortuary when we left to let them know we'd be on our way but must not have remembered to call because when we got back to town there was no one there so we sat and waited. i finally got a number from my mom to call and they had someone come in to receive little Elliot. we set up a time to go back the next day so we could make arrangements and bring the kids to see him again and then had to leave empty handed. the other kids were all sleeping before we got home so i visited with my mom for a little bit before she took my brothers and went home. it was late but i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep anyways and since i hadn't eaten since lunch time i decided i better try eating. i got on the computer to try to settle myself and find someone to talk to since i told ben he really needed to try to get some sleep in case he ended up having to work in the morning. the computer idea didn't work out very well as i couldn't see the screen well through my tears anyways so i finished eating and decided to look through the box of items the hospital had sent home for our memories. i brought in the bear and blanket that i'd given to Elliot before we went to the hospital and decided i would keep them with me through the night. since no one else was up at my house i decided to try laying down although i knew sleep would not come easy. my mind was racing and i ended up getting back up to do some photo editing and such before i tried for sleep again. i updated my picture on facebook and looked through a few of the pictures i had, deciding to save most of them to look at in the morning. eventually i was able to get about an hour or so of sleep before it was time to get up and get the kids ready to head for school. i'd already decided that any of the kids who really didn't want to go to school that first day wouldn't have to so i encouraged my  kids to get up and get ready so they could go and the oldest decided that he wasn't going to make it. the others were willing to try so ben made a note briefly explaining our situation for each of them to give to their teachers in case the day ended up to hard for them so the teachers would understand and we dropped them off to school. we went in and talked to williams teacher personally since he had chosen not to go to school so she would understand what was going on when he came back because out of the kids he seems to be having the hardest time actually handling the situation. then it was time to work on picking up the things we would be needing before meeting to discuss burial arrangements. he was so tiny that we knew we wouldn't have much choice when it came to what we could dress him in but we found a doll with a little suit and decided that it would be perfect for my little man. it's a small black suit with a white shirt and a pink bow tie. we thought the girls would really like that and decided to take it to the mortuary after we got done shopping so they could see if it would work or if we would need to make something different. I had already decided that i wanted to make each of the kids a memory box so as i was shopping i worked on that too. i couldn't find any tiny teddy bears and decided that whatever small toy we had buried with i also wanted to get one exactly the same for each of the kids memory boxes. the toy section really didn't have anything that would work so we headed to the infant section when they had some soft little giraffe rattles. there was enough for me to get him one and one for each of the memory boxes so we got those. i'd also decided that since my printer had been having problems i would get a new one so i could make copies of the hand and foot prints they were able to get and other things i wanted copies of because i wanted to make a card for each of the kids boxes with the hand and foot prints laminated so they would have those. next on my list was choosing material for his blanket that he would be buried with and i found some really nice blue material that i could get enough to make him a tiny blanket and cut one the same size for each of the boxes. we had to check several departments before finding the boxes we settled on because we kept finding ones that would work but they didn't have enough in stock for what we needed. finally we found the perfect boxes in the craft section that we could put pictures in the sides of so that the boxes would be the same but each persons could be personalized with their own pictures with him or pictures of their choice. finishing the boxes and painting his name and date on will give me something to work on as things slow down and i need to keep busy so i think they will work out very nicely. i decided that it will be best to also laminate the pictures we want to put in the boxes so they will last longer for the kids (especially the little ones that don't know yet where not to touch when looking through the pictures). as we went through the store we ran into several people who commented on ben being there shopping after he had called in and we ended up telling them what was going on so i had a few breakdowns in the middle of walmart but we managed to finish our shopping and went to check out. the cashier made a comment about ben not working and i started bawling and told her why. ben had to run back for an item and she came around and hugged me almost until he got back to the register with me. after we left there we stopped by the mortuary to drop off the suit so they could try to make any adjustments and see if it would work and talked briefly about a day and time for the service. we decided that we would do the service on Friday the 14th at 2:15 pm. i asked about if we could do any viewing for close friends and family and he told me that we couldn't do that so i asked that he at least allow us and the kids to see Elliot in his casket and be there all the way through. he agreed that would be ok so we will be going a little early to say our final goodbyes and seal the casket before transporting it to the cemetery for the services. Friday will be a hard day for all of us and i'm sure i'll spend most of it in tears. we still have to work on getting a permanent marker for his grave but the rest will be taken care of. after making arrangements with him and confirming the time we would come in later to do final paperwork and bring the kids by we went home. i worked on getting a few things organized and decided to sit down and look at some of the pictures. ben went to pick up jenna from preschool and i sat on the couch and cried some more. lizzy is having a hard time understanding when i cry and tells me not to cry and reminds me that she is still here and it is ok. when ben came back i talked to jenna about how school went and if she had told anyone and things went good for her. she told me that one of her classroom helpers had lost a baby too and she got to talk to her teachers and tell her friends. after awhile my parents came over. my dad had ended up taking the day off so they spent some time with us. the boys that went to school had an early release day so they got to come home early and both seemed to have a good day at school. i talked to them about the boxes we were going to make and showed them some of the items from the hospital since they had been asleep before we got home and we didn't get to talk much before school. then we just hung out at the house until time to go see Elliot again. i made his little blanket and made the kids all dress up so we could get a picture of all 6 kids together since it would be our only chance. they don't all like having to dress up at all but none of them fought me much about it and we headed to the mortuary. i had worked hard to not break down so my face wouldn't be quite as puffy and red for our pictures and decided that a little make up could probably help cover how horrible i was looking. we went in and gave the responses so the paperwork for the state could be taken care of and then they took us to the room where they had prepared the body. he was even more tiny looking laying on the big table in the viewing room. they had to order the casket so it won't be in until tomorrow but we each got to hold him and have some time with him and i was able to take a lot of good pictures for our memories. although it was still his tiny body he didn't look the same as when he was born and i was even more grateful for all the pictures i had been able to get when he was born. they told me that by friday he would probably look much darker. i was able to get through the time with Elliot fairly well until it was time to say goodbye again and walk out of the room. once we got home i made the kids get out of their nicer clothes and let them go outside to play while i decided to check out the pictures i'd just taken. before i could get through those we had someone show up with a fresh loaf of bread to go with whatever we decided on for dinner and we visited for awhile before she went on her way. it was starting to get late in the evening so ben started working on dinner for us. by that point i was feeling awfully exhausted physically and emotionally and was suppose to be recovering from delivery and a surgical procedure but had been busy all day long it seemed like so i didn't complain when he got up to do dinner. within a few minutes we got another visitor who brought us a treat and sat with me and let me talk about what was going on. it was nice seeing how much support we have on line and off line. after visiting for awhile she needed to get back home and so we had a late dinner and were just getting ready to work on getting kids off to bed when we got another visitor. he talked more with ben but was checking in to make sure everything was getting taken care of and see how we were doing. once he left i rushed the girls off to get their baths done since it was already well past bed time. my poor 4 year old was so tired that she was ready to fall asleep while i was drying her hair and as soon as i finished drying her hair and told her she could go lay down she found the closest pillow and she was out. my 2 year old wasn't quite so determined to fall right asleep and decided last night instead of falling asleep with her teddy bear she wanted to hold on the the teddy bear for Elliot until she was asleep. as she was falling asleep she was telling me to stop crying again and my 11 year old wandered in saying that he needed another hug so i held him as he broke down and cried with me. we talked for awhile and my 10 year old came to join us needing held and comforted too. my 6 year old must have been pretty tired because he had fallen asleep right away last night to but the older boys stayed up late talking and crying. i finally convinced them that they needed to try to get some sleep so they could get up in the morning and they went off to bed. i began working on this post but knew it would take some time so once i felt like i might be able to sleep i shut my computer down and went to sleep. i had reached the point where not only was i exhausted in every way but my whole body aches so getting comfortable is not an easy task. i managed to get a few hours of sleep but knew once i woke up i wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. my oldest son was up early and hoping not to have to go to school again so i had him come in and held him again before school while we talked. the kids all ended up trying school again today and ben was nice enough to get up and take them all. once they left i decided i should work on finishing this post (sorry....it's kinda long). lizzy got up for awhile to snuggle me but decided to take an early nap and went back to sleep when i started typing. i told ben that i think it would be good for each of us to take a little time for ourselves before friday. it sounds like he is going to take some time tonight so i will get to take my time tomorrow night. i'm sure the next few days will stay a little busy but that is probably good for now. it has been such a comfort to know of all the support we have and how my little boy has made it into the hearts of so many people. if there are parts of this post that don't seem to make much sense i hope you have still made it through because i am not going back to do any editing. i will try to continue posting although my next post may not be until after his services. anyone who would like to attend is welcome to join us at the cemetery in Mtn. Home at 2:15 Friday afternoon. we have a friend who will be doing some pictures for us so we can focus on the service and still have memories to hold onto of our final moments with him here. we are also hoping to have a small get together for those wanting to visit after with some refreshments at the LDS Stake Center in Mtn. Home so it would be helpful if you could send a quick message either to my phone, facebook or let my mom know if you plan to attend so we can start to get an idea of how many people to expect (and forgive me if you send a message and i don't get a chance to respond....you will still be counted but i may be very busy or grieving). here are a few pictures of my precious baby boy for those who would like to see him. the foot prints are so perfect for being only 2cm long. thank you all for your continuous love and support!! it really means a lot to all of us right now