Sleep with Angels baby boy

I haven't gotten a chance to update my blog since before the funeral so i decided to work on that today. This week has been a very emotional one for me but i am doing ok. I took some time to myself to go shopping on Wednesday and was able to find some nice outfits for all of the kids and I to wear for the services. I've always loved to make us match for important occasions and have found that nearly impossible to do at times but walmart happened to have exactly what i needed (many of the items were the last on in the right size but they were there). Shopping was hard because by that point many of the walmart employees knew what had happened and i would break down in tears every time any of them asked how i was doing or came over to hug me and give me support. between looking for the perfect items i needed to have for the services and visiting with random people throughout the whole store it took me a couple of hours to get out of there. Wednesday was the day i planned to have Ben take some time off for whatever he needed to do or just to get away before the funeral so i tried to not take up too much time being out. once i got home and showed Ben what i had found for the kids and i to wear he decided to check around town to see what some other stores had since walmart didn't really have anything that matched well for him. he spent some time in the evening home with the kids and i and then took his time to go out later at night. i thought maybe i would try to get to sleep a little early because i was pretty exhausted but that didn't work very well. I hadn't eaten anything all day but wasn't really hungry either so i just laid in bed trying to figure out all the things i would need to do the next morning to prepare for the funeral. Thursday was going to be my day off to do what i wanted/needed to do to prepare myself emotionally and so my plan was to do the final arrangements and things in the morning so i would have the rest of the day. eventually i was able to get a few hours of sleep. morning came and i was not in a hurry to get out of bed. my mom had volunteered to take my preschooler to school so i got up to make sure she was ready and had her car seat for my mom to take and then went back to lay in bed. my 2 year old decided it was a great day for sleeping in so my house was nice and quiet most of the morning. i had made arrangements for the girls to go to a friends house after Jenna got out of school and for the boys to go to another friends house when they got home from school. i was thinking i would work on making a program for the services and then maybe i would take some time in the afternoon to go visit one of my best friends moms but just before going to pick up Jenna i got a text saying that she may not be home part of the afternoon and my best friend invited me to ride along to Boise with him if i wasn't to busy. Car rides have always been pretty relaxing for me and give me time to think so i decided that would probably be a good thing and then i could come back and work on the program before taking my night off. i was able to get out some of the things i'd been holding in all week and begin to really process some of the situation a little better having that time where i knew i was safe to feel however i needed, talk about the things i needed to and not have to worry about getting anything done during that time. i had asked Ben if he could work on the invitations and told him what i was thinking for them since he is much better at using the programs we needed to on the computer to set it up how i was wanting. when i got back from my much needed ride along Ben and i went to walmart to pick up the paper i was wanting the programs printed on and any other last minute items. I didn't want to be out all night since i knew the next day would be busy and i would need to be up early to finish things up so i started my night out earlier in the evening. the night was perfect and everything i needed to prepare myself for the next day. when i got home Ben was just working on finishing up the programs he'd spent all evening working on and was even able to get Elliots foot prints perfectly sized on them. i decided i wouldn't send the kids to school at all in the morning so we could take care of getting everyone ready without having to rush things before time to go to the mortuary to say our goodbyes. Friday morning i got up and went to place my order for the flowers to go on the tiny casket. i came back home and we all worked on getting ready. everyone who knows anything about me knows that i am always late for everything and i was worried that i would not have enough time but was able to have everything done early so i took a couple of the boys with me to pick up the flowers and go to the mortuary. I sent the rest of the kids with Ben to meet us there since he had a couple things to do along the way also. They had the flowers all ready when i got there so i got to the mortuary early and got to have the time i needed with Elliot before Ben and the rest of the kids showed up. my mom and dad joined us there also. i dressed my tiny baby for the final time and took lots more pictures. we wrapped him perfectly in his little blanket and i placed him gently in the tiny casket. Nathan asked if he could put the toy we had gotten for Elliot in so i let him do that. when it was time to go to the cemetery i closed the casket and they helped me seal it. i chose to ride over in the hearse and they let me hold his casket on my lap. Ben and the kids followed in the van with my parents right behind him.  the services were beautiful and we had a great turnout to support us as we left him for his final resting spot. we had a musical solo done for him and we had some things prepared to say. i had a really hard time reading the cards i'd written on and was going to have someone else finish for me but was able to finish it myself with a little extra time. my dad dedicated the grave site and those attending were invited to join us at the church afterwards for refreshments and to visit with the family. at the end of the service many people came through and hugged us and gave us support. once everyone had left we went over to join the people who had gone to the church. when we walked in we saw that whoever had been in charge of decorations had somehow matched the colors in the gym perfectly to the colors i had chosen to wear and everything was so perfect and beautiful. i think the colors that were chosen for everything would have been his favorite because we didn't share what colors i'd picked with anyone who was picking things for the church. i think his little spirit has done a great job at helping and directing us in the decisions through this time. we spent the afternoon surrounded by friends and family and it was wonderful. I'd been struggling to eat anything at all throughout the week and was able to eat a little there (mostly because my second family may have held me down and force fed me after finding out i hadn't been eating....). once the church was cleaned up a little and everyone had left we came home. we were planning on returning to the cemetery but it had rained and the kids had already had a long day so i decided it would be best if we let them come home. once everyone had made it back to the house i decided i would go back to the cemetery and take a few pictures before it got dark out. i was able to find peace with my baby boy safely resting there. once i got home i gave Ben the opportunity to go back. i read through each of the sweet cards we have received and looked for directions to try to save some of the flowers we had gotten. by the time i got the kids fed and ready for bed i was pretty exhausted. i finished up a few more things before i decided to lay down and managed to fall asleep without too much difficulty. Saturday morning i called around to see if anywhere in town had the materials i needed to try preserving some of the flowers and had no luck so decided to make a trip to Boise. Ben stayed home with the kids and i spent most of the afternoon/evening in Boise. i was able to find several things i was wanting and even managed to eat again there. once i got home Ben, the kids and I went out to watch the sun set and visit Elliot. I got to have a couple minutes alone with him and spent that time talking to him about how much his daddy and i love him and telling him goodnight. I got the link for the pictures our friend had taken at the services and was able to look through those. I am beginning to work a little on the projects i have in mind. I am excited that I will be able to have my brother in law create his marker for his grave and am working on how i want it to look. I have been so blessed by all the love and support i have gotten from friends, family and even strangers. this has definitely been the hardest experience i have had to go through. i know there is a lot i have shared on here but some of the most special and amazing parts of the experience i do not post and instead keep within my heart and the hearts of those closest to me. Elliot will always hold a very special place in the hearts of his daddy and I as well as each of his brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles.