August 20, 2014

They all told me today would be hard and they were right. today was the day that Elliot was suppose to be due. a day that in December i was looking forward to with great anticipation and happiness when i found out i was carrying a miracle. this year has come with many mixed emotions and though months have passed i still wish there was more i could have done to change the outcome. i keep a lot of my feelings to myself but am so grateful for the love and support i have had from those around me especially over this past week. it's amazing how some people just know when i need a little extra support and are there to give it.....sometimes not even knowing the reason why. to those of you who are always there and those of you who i know would be if you could i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your daddy and I love you Elliot James.....always and forever!!!!

blessings through service

In life things always have a way of working themselves out.....and usually for the best although at times it may not seem to be that way. i've had opportunities recently to reconnect with a lot of people that i haven't talked to often over the past several years or longer and have gotten to meet a few new people who have already impacted my life greatly. i've always loved trying to figure out the human mind and why people do certain things or think certain ways so it's always fun for me to sit down and have open and honest conversations with people about any subject they wish to talk about. people are quite fascinating. in one conversation someone expressed to me that they had been through a confusing time but now they knew who they were. that was an interesting concept for me because i believe that who we are constantly is changing based on who we need to be to face life. all of us go through confusing times and some of us claim we need to figure out who we are but really, you are who you are at any given time. you are who you need to be even if it can't always be who you want to be. often times in life those confusing times we go through are what really give us an opportunity to change who we are if we want to and define what will come next. everything in life is a choice. i have seen people even in the worst of circumstances choose to be happy. i've seen people who seem to have it all choose to be miserable. i've seen people so afraid of change that they let that fear hold them back from wonderful opportunities. i've seen people turn their lives completely around and become the opposite of who they were. i've learned though that whoever i am is who i need to be and it is ok for me to change that. i've gotten to watch different people working together through some of the service i have done recently. usually i have at least my youngest daughter with me whenever i do things since she does not go to school at all yet and it has been interesting for me to watch how different people respond to each other and to a young child. how many of us are guilty of wanting to get things done quickly and brushing everything else off to the side to get a task done? how many of us pass up an opportunity to do a simple act of kindness for someone else? how many of us get a little cranky if things are not working out just right or if someone gets in the way of what we are working on? and how much in life is really that important that it can't be put on hold if need be? over the past month i've gotten to spend some time helping an older couple with a service project to benifit some of the local youth that are in less than ideal situations. my job was simple......anyone could do it. as a matter of fact i showed 2 of my boys how to do it one of the days i was helping and they were able to do it. as i was working one morning the couple told me they had asked several other people if they would come and help them complete this project and everyone else had made excuses or said they didn't know how to do what needed done. they knew i knew how so they contacted me. i was happy to help but didn't know if my 2 year old would behave well enough where i needed to be working. she did well and loved going over to 'work'. she is a very curious and active girl although somewhat shy around new people. i thought perhaps her shy quality would keep her from bothering anyone while we were working but it didn't take her long before he made quick friends with the man there. he was a great example of loving and giving attention to a child. he has great grandchildren of his own and whenever my little girl would talk to him he would stop what he was doing to help her or answer her questions and give her his full attention, putting his work aside for after she was satisfied with the attention and went to do something else. as a parent if we stop and give our children our full attention any time they seem to need it we would never get anything done but how many of us fall so much into getting things done to not stop and give to the children at all. i've gotten to see this same love for the children through many of the people i have had them around over the past year or so where people will stop what they are doing and give the kids their full attention when we are around. although i may never be able to fully express to those people the impact they have had or are having on my children it is an amazing thing for me to watch. i've had another wonderful experience over the past couple weeks also and met someone who has amazed me with his willingness to help a stranger. Since losing Elliot i have visited the cemetery often. my other kids ask regularly if we can go. I haven't decided yet on what i want to do for his permanent marker but they had put a temporary marker at his grave and we had some flowers there. i've gone through the cemetery before and seen some of the temporary markers that have been there for years so i decided that i had plenty of time to decide on the perfect stone for him. i've looked at options online and from out of state and talked to some local companies about options and still haven't come up with anything that seemed just right. the mortuary had told me that i needed to have a flat marker so it was really simply a matter of what exactly i wanted put on it and who i wanted to do it. about 2 weeks ago i took the girls to the cemetery after picking up my preschooler from school. she began showing me some of the stones around his and making her own suggestions about things we could do when i was approached by a man. he introduced himself as the cemetery sexton and told me he had seen me visit often and wanted to know if i had ordered a marker yet. i explained to him that i was still deciding what i wanted to do and some of the challenges i'd run into with some of my ideas. he then explained to me that someone else had recently decided to upgrade another stone and if i would give him permission he would like to place the base they didn't want any more on Elliots plot so we would have a nice place to put our flowers. it wouldn't have a name or anything on it but we would at least have a nice place to put our flowers for him. that sounded great to me so i quickly gave permission. it was friday afternoon so he said he would put it in the next week. i asked what size we would need to get for the name marker to fit in it and he told me that where his plot is located i could do pretty much any kind of marker that i wanted rather than having to stick to the basic flat marker the mortuary had talked to me about. i was excited and checked back daily the next week to see if he had gotten a chance to put in the concrete base. the next friday i needed to leave town to attend a funeral on the other side of the state and stopped by just as we were leaving. nothing had changed. I adjusted the flowers so they would not fall over or blow away over the weekend and left town figuring it was probably a busy week and maybe he would have time to set the base next week.

my weekend went well and on the way back to town sunday afternoon the kids asked if we could stop at the cemetery on the way back to the house. it had been storming pretty bad in the morning/early afternoon so i wasn't sure how the weather would be when we got back so i agreed that if there wasn't still a horrible storm then we would stop. the weather was beautiful when we got back to town and we headed to the cemetery. i was excited and surprised with what i found there. Not only had this amazing man who i barely knew put in a base but he also had taken the time to create a very nice temporary wood marker and set it until we decide what we want to do.

 I returned on monday to thank him and he apologized for not having the proper wood tools to work with and told me that his wife helped him with getting the flowers to go on each side. I think he did an amazing job....especially since we hadn't asked him to do anything and i was so grateful for the work that he put into doing something kind for a stranger. we were blessed to have a few people donate money in cards we received at the services and i have began adding to that amount to put towards whatever we decide upon when the time is right. although i still have many challenges to face in life i have been greatly blessed with a wonderful family, friends and strangers and i'm continuing to count all the little blessings.

1 month later

It has now been 1 month since my sweet baby Elliot passed. I started this blog shortly before that and have already had over 5000 views. thank you to all those of you who have cared enough to read my thoughts. I probably won't be posting very often now but i'll try to update still occasionally. I've spent my time trying to keep busy and have made a lot of progress on some of the projects that I am working on. i've also been filling time working on some of my old unfinished projects and doing some volunteer work. the first couple weeks were filled with visitors and people calling to see how i was doing but things have slowed down now and i'm glad to have some of my own projects that need work and the opportunity to do some service with some of my friends to keep me busy. one of my little girls had a birthday not long ago and was so excited about having a party with her preschool friends but the weather was not nice out last week so i decided today would be a good day to celebrate and let her have a party. overall i am doing really well. spring time is finally here so hopefully i can get more active and take off the extra pounds i gained with Elliot and get back in shape a bit. aside from that and occasional headaches physically i'm doing great. I went to my followup appointment at the doctors and they seemed to think physically and emotionally i have handled things very well and that i should expect to have hard times just randomly pop up. also if i do decide to have more children in the future i will need to be watched from the beginning by the high risk doctors. life is full of challenges and often times we look at other peoples lives and think how simple they must be and how everything seems so perfect and wonder why ours must be so complicated at times. its funny how if we actually get to know those people who seem to have the simple easy lives we realize that everything we thought about them was wrong and how often times it's just the way they are able to look at things and the attitude they have that makes them able to keep their own challenges outside of everyone elses view. it's sad how quickly some people are to judge before understanding also. sometimes the circumstances we face in life are not what we think are the most ideal, especially those outside of our control, but we must always remember who we are and what is most important to us and then work towards that regardless of how much time it may take to get where we want to be or who would try to stand in our way of discovering who we are and what would make us happy. I hope that each of you who read this will take a few minutes to think about something whether it's large or small that would help you to be more happy in life and go after it because life is short and you deserve to find joy and peace. After that perhaps think of something you could do to help another person today because you never know how much a small act of kindness can do or what a difference it might make to someone just to get a call to let them know you are thinking of them. live, love and serve with an open heart and you may be amazed at what it can do in your own life

Just another post

Sometimes the smallest things in life are the things that make the biggest differences. the little things that people take for granted are sometimes the most important. over the past several weeks i have had a lot of time to notice the little things. i held my tiny son and examined the perfection of each of his little fingers and toes and how perfectly formed his body was. there are things i may never understand and many emotions i have felt but never at any point was anger one of them. i do not have to ask God why this happened. although i may grieve the loss of my son here on earth I am not a victim in this situation. to have a perfect son is an honor and a blessing. over the past couple of weeks i've gotten support from so many friends, family and even strangers. many people have read my posts or this blog online and posted comments letting me know they are praying for us, some people have stood back not knowing quite what to say or how to act, some have offered words of support and encouragement, some have tried to put a smile on my face, some have hugged me, some have cried with me and some have held me close and let me break down until i was ready to stand on my own. i found that there really is no 'right or wrong' way to comfort someone because each way someone showed support has helped me. I know many people have been concerned about my physical and emotional state through this but i am doing well in both areas. i was able to resume most normal activities fairly quickly although there have been some things i just haven't felt like doing still and have been focusing on all of the little blessings and all of the support i have gotten to help me though the emotional stages. I have had some amazing experiences this month and i know that Elliot is watching out for me and helping me through this. i look forward to the time when i will see him again. It is a great blessing to know that we are all more than just our physical bodies and that when we leave our bodies here there is so much more we can experience. I will spend this week enjoying my time with my other children while they are on spring break and trying to catch up on some of the things i've been meaning to get done. i'm sure many adventures await so i'll keep living one day at a time making the best of what life brings and counting little blessings!

Sleep with Angels baby boy

I haven't gotten a chance to update my blog since before the funeral so i decided to work on that today. This week has been a very emotional one for me but i am doing ok. I took some time to myself to go shopping on Wednesday and was able to find some nice outfits for all of the kids and I to wear for the services. I've always loved to make us match for important occasions and have found that nearly impossible to do at times but walmart happened to have exactly what i needed (many of the items were the last on in the right size but they were there). Shopping was hard because by that point many of the walmart employees knew what had happened and i would break down in tears every time any of them asked how i was doing or came over to hug me and give me support. between looking for the perfect items i needed to have for the services and visiting with random people throughout the whole store it took me a couple of hours to get out of there. Wednesday was the day i planned to have Ben take some time off for whatever he needed to do or just to get away before the funeral so i tried to not take up too much time being out. once i got home and showed Ben what i had found for the kids and i to wear he decided to check around town to see what some other stores had since walmart didn't really have anything that matched well for him. he spent some time in the evening home with the kids and i and then took his time to go out later at night. i thought maybe i would try to get to sleep a little early because i was pretty exhausted but that didn't work very well. I hadn't eaten anything all day but wasn't really hungry either so i just laid in bed trying to figure out all the things i would need to do the next morning to prepare for the funeral. Thursday was going to be my day off to do what i wanted/needed to do to prepare myself emotionally and so my plan was to do the final arrangements and things in the morning so i would have the rest of the day. eventually i was able to get a few hours of sleep. morning came and i was not in a hurry to get out of bed. my mom had volunteered to take my preschooler to school so i got up to make sure she was ready and had her car seat for my mom to take and then went back to lay in bed. my 2 year old decided it was a great day for sleeping in so my house was nice and quiet most of the morning. i had made arrangements for the girls to go to a friends house after Jenna got out of school and for the boys to go to another friends house when they got home from school. i was thinking i would work on making a program for the services and then maybe i would take some time in the afternoon to go visit one of my best friends moms but just before going to pick up Jenna i got a text saying that she may not be home part of the afternoon and my best friend invited me to ride along to Boise with him if i wasn't to busy. Car rides have always been pretty relaxing for me and give me time to think so i decided that would probably be a good thing and then i could come back and work on the program before taking my night off. i was able to get out some of the things i'd been holding in all week and begin to really process some of the situation a little better having that time where i knew i was safe to feel however i needed, talk about the things i needed to and not have to worry about getting anything done during that time. i had asked Ben if he could work on the invitations and told him what i was thinking for them since he is much better at using the programs we needed to on the computer to set it up how i was wanting. when i got back from my much needed ride along Ben and i went to walmart to pick up the paper i was wanting the programs printed on and any other last minute items. I didn't want to be out all night since i knew the next day would be busy and i would need to be up early to finish things up so i started my night out earlier in the evening. the night was perfect and everything i needed to prepare myself for the next day. when i got home Ben was just working on finishing up the programs he'd spent all evening working on and was even able to get Elliots foot prints perfectly sized on them. i decided i wouldn't send the kids to school at all in the morning so we could take care of getting everyone ready without having to rush things before time to go to the mortuary to say our goodbyes. Friday morning i got up and went to place my order for the flowers to go on the tiny casket. i came back home and we all worked on getting ready. everyone who knows anything about me knows that i am always late for everything and i was worried that i would not have enough time but was able to have everything done early so i took a couple of the boys with me to pick up the flowers and go to the mortuary. I sent the rest of the kids with Ben to meet us there since he had a couple things to do along the way also. They had the flowers all ready when i got there so i got to the mortuary early and got to have the time i needed with Elliot before Ben and the rest of the kids showed up. my mom and dad joined us there also. i dressed my tiny baby for the final time and took lots more pictures. we wrapped him perfectly in his little blanket and i placed him gently in the tiny casket. Nathan asked if he could put the toy we had gotten for Elliot in so i let him do that. when it was time to go to the cemetery i closed the casket and they helped me seal it. i chose to ride over in the hearse and they let me hold his casket on my lap. Ben and the kids followed in the van with my parents right behind him.  the services were beautiful and we had a great turnout to support us as we left him for his final resting spot. we had a musical solo done for him and we had some things prepared to say. i had a really hard time reading the cards i'd written on and was going to have someone else finish for me but was able to finish it myself with a little extra time. my dad dedicated the grave site and those attending were invited to join us at the church afterwards for refreshments and to visit with the family. at the end of the service many people came through and hugged us and gave us support. once everyone had left we went over to join the people who had gone to the church. when we walked in we saw that whoever had been in charge of decorations had somehow matched the colors in the gym perfectly to the colors i had chosen to wear and everything was so perfect and beautiful. i think the colors that were chosen for everything would have been his favorite because we didn't share what colors i'd picked with anyone who was picking things for the church. i think his little spirit has done a great job at helping and directing us in the decisions through this time. we spent the afternoon surrounded by friends and family and it was wonderful. I'd been struggling to eat anything at all throughout the week and was able to eat a little there (mostly because my second family may have held me down and force fed me after finding out i hadn't been eating....). once the church was cleaned up a little and everyone had left we came home. we were planning on returning to the cemetery but it had rained and the kids had already had a long day so i decided it would be best if we let them come home. once everyone had made it back to the house i decided i would go back to the cemetery and take a few pictures before it got dark out. i was able to find peace with my baby boy safely resting there. once i got home i gave Ben the opportunity to go back. i read through each of the sweet cards we have received and looked for directions to try to save some of the flowers we had gotten. by the time i got the kids fed and ready for bed i was pretty exhausted. i finished up a few more things before i decided to lay down and managed to fall asleep without too much difficulty. Saturday morning i called around to see if anywhere in town had the materials i needed to try preserving some of the flowers and had no luck so decided to make a trip to Boise. Ben stayed home with the kids and i spent most of the afternoon/evening in Boise. i was able to find several things i was wanting and even managed to eat again there. once i got home Ben, the kids and I went out to watch the sun set and visit Elliot. I got to have a couple minutes alone with him and spent that time talking to him about how much his daddy and i love him and telling him goodnight. I got the link for the pictures our friend had taken at the services and was able to look through those. I am beginning to work a little on the projects i have in mind. I am excited that I will be able to have my brother in law create his marker for his grave and am working on how i want it to look. I have been so blessed by all the love and support i have gotten from friends, family and even strangers. this has definitely been the hardest experience i have had to go through. i know there is a lot i have shared on here but some of the most special and amazing parts of the experience i do not post and instead keep within my heart and the hearts of those closest to me. Elliot will always hold a very special place in the hearts of his daddy and I as well as each of his brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

trying to get through it all.....Long post. includes pictures and funeral information

WARNING....this post will be long and will include a couple images at the end. those who do not like knowing details or who would not like to view our beautiful little boy probably shouldn't read this. things have been so busy since Elliot came out and i've had a hard time figuring out how to do this post. i know there are people waiting for another update so we'll see how this goes. this is by far the hardest thing i have had to experience but still there are so many little blessings and wonderful memories of my precious son. things seemed to be going so well on monday and i was able to relax while the boys were at school and my mom had my girls for a few hours. i'd decided to share the blog with anyone who was interested in knowing what was going on in our lives and so i added the link to my fb page and then ate my lunch and relaxed for a few minutes before having to get up to use the bathroom again (i did that quite a bit for the days i was down because i was drinking so much water). i hadn't had any kind of pain or anything so expected a normal trip to the bathroom and back to the couch so i left my phone on the couch since it was out of my pocket and didn't feel like packing it to the bathroom. baby Elliot decided that while i was away from my phone it would be a good time to make a surprise appearance. i felt a gush of fluids come out after i went to the bathroom and then reached down as i felt him coming out. i went into shock a little but knew i needed to get back to my phone to call for help and had read on many blog sites over the past week how many people wished they had taken more pictures right away. his cord was still tightly attached and the placenta was not coming out so i grabbed a towel to help make sure i wouldn't make a mess on the way to my phone if i did begin to bleed heavily or something and rushed back to the living room where i frantically looked around for the location of my camera and worked on making the calls i needed to make. as soon as ben got word that Elliot hadn't made it he left work and rushed home (probably going way faster than he should have based on how quickly it seemed like he arrived). i attempted several times to call my mom but her phone was busy and i had to keep trying. she ended up having to call me back and came as soon as she could with the girls. i also called a couple of my closest friends to let them know. things seemed to happen so quickly as i sat there with my camera getting whatever pictures i could manage with my hands shaking and being in shock. i had a bear and a blanket for Elliot so i got those out and took a few pictures of him with those. the hardest part was that he kicked just after he came out and there was still blood pumping through him for quite a while after he was out. watching as his tiny heart beat and knowing there was nothing in the world i could do was unimaginably hard because he was so perfect. ben got home and made sure i was doing ok and spent a few minutes with us before my mom got here. once my mom was here with the girls we decided that ben better pick up the boys from school because i would need to go to the hospital soon and we wanted to be able to let the kids all see the baby so they would understand better what went on. ben got the boys and i gave all of the kids a chance to see Elliot, get pictures with him and hold him if they wished because i didn't know what would happen from there or if they would have any more chances to even see his tiny body. all i could do is cry as my 2 year old sat by me and asked why the baby came out. a couple of my closest friends stopped by before i had to go and knowing that i had all that support from my family and my friends really helped me begin to get through everything. my mom and brothers stayed with my kids while ben took me to the hospital about 45 minutes away. it rained much of the way there and i tried to relax as much as i could and just enjoy every second i got to hold my baby in my hands. he was so tiny and i just couldn't get over looking at him....wanting to memorize every detail of his little body. once we got to the hospital they brought a wheelchair out and i cried all the way through the hospital wishing it was just another bad dream and that i could wake up with everything being just fine. we got up to my exam room and the room flooded with nurses and doctors. by then i really needed to use the bathroom again and we were all hoping that when i did that the placenta would just come out but it didn't. they clamped and cut the cord and the doctor did and exam to see what was going on. i asked the nurse if they might be able to get any footprints at that stage or if he was just to small and delicate for that and she said she would try. she did an amazing job and i know i will forever be grateful to have those tiny prints. they found that the placenta hadn't detached and they would have to preform a d&c to get it out and make sure everything else was cleaned out. they tried to put my iv in and it didn't work in one arm so they had to try the other (i've always hated having to have ivs in). doctors and nurses continued to pour in and out of my room talking about the things they could try to do for us to help with memories and with coping with everything while we waited for an operating room to open up. they weighed Elliot and said he was 3.6 oz and 18 and a half cm long. they were able to arrange for someone to do pictures while i was out and had a company come in to cast his hand and foot if they could so we can get a 3d display of his hand and/or foot. in the mean time back home we'd asked my mom to find out about the details and chances of being able to bury the baby so we wouldn't have to leave him for the hospital to dispose of or whatever not knowing what happens at that point. when we were able to connect to give her our updates and get the updates from her we learned that the cemetery had a donated plot that they were willing to give us and so the costs wouldn't be quite so much. my mom told me if we wanted to bury the baby it would all be taken care of and we could put him at the cemetery in my hometown. we decided that would be our best option and the hospital started working on figuring out arrangement so that we could bring the baby back. the time came quickly for my surgery and they offered me several different options for how out i would be and how much i wouldn't feel and whether i wanted something that would make it so that i wouldn't remember anything from the several hours around surgery time. i chose the lightest option for blocking and told them not to give me anything that would make it so i wouldn't remember things because i wanted to remember every detail of every second i got to spend with my baby boy. once they got me in the operating room the doctor got called out on emergency to help with a delivery in the next room over so we had to wait until he finished there before they would put me to sleep and get started on things. once he came back and they started the process for putting me to sleep i don't remember anything until i was waking up in the recovery room hearing them talk. my throat was extremely sore from the breathing tube (and still is very sore) but over all i felt ok. they said i'd lost about 200cc of blood but things were looking good and they thought i would recover alright so they kept me for a couple hours for observation before getting ready to send me home. i got to hold my sweet baby all the way back home and found out that the weather had been quite unusual for the evening with rain and hail and thunder and lightning. the hospital was suppose to call the mortuary when we left to let them know we'd be on our way but must not have remembered to call because when we got back to town there was no one there so we sat and waited. i finally got a number from my mom to call and they had someone come in to receive little Elliot. we set up a time to go back the next day so we could make arrangements and bring the kids to see him again and then had to leave empty handed. the other kids were all sleeping before we got home so i visited with my mom for a little bit before she took my brothers and went home. it was late but i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep anyways and since i hadn't eaten since lunch time i decided i better try eating. i got on the computer to try to settle myself and find someone to talk to since i told ben he really needed to try to get some sleep in case he ended up having to work in the morning. the computer idea didn't work out very well as i couldn't see the screen well through my tears anyways so i finished eating and decided to look through the box of items the hospital had sent home for our memories. i brought in the bear and blanket that i'd given to Elliot before we went to the hospital and decided i would keep them with me through the night. since no one else was up at my house i decided to try laying down although i knew sleep would not come easy. my mind was racing and i ended up getting back up to do some photo editing and such before i tried for sleep again. i updated my picture on facebook and looked through a few of the pictures i had, deciding to save most of them to look at in the morning. eventually i was able to get about an hour or so of sleep before it was time to get up and get the kids ready to head for school. i'd already decided that any of the kids who really didn't want to go to school that first day wouldn't have to so i encouraged my  kids to get up and get ready so they could go and the oldest decided that he wasn't going to make it. the others were willing to try so ben made a note briefly explaining our situation for each of them to give to their teachers in case the day ended up to hard for them so the teachers would understand and we dropped them off to school. we went in and talked to williams teacher personally since he had chosen not to go to school so she would understand what was going on when he came back because out of the kids he seems to be having the hardest time actually handling the situation. then it was time to work on picking up the things we would be needing before meeting to discuss burial arrangements. he was so tiny that we knew we wouldn't have much choice when it came to what we could dress him in but we found a doll with a little suit and decided that it would be perfect for my little man. it's a small black suit with a white shirt and a pink bow tie. we thought the girls would really like that and decided to take it to the mortuary after we got done shopping so they could see if it would work or if we would need to make something different. I had already decided that i wanted to make each of the kids a memory box so as i was shopping i worked on that too. i couldn't find any tiny teddy bears and decided that whatever small toy we had buried with i also wanted to get one exactly the same for each of the kids memory boxes. the toy section really didn't have anything that would work so we headed to the infant section when they had some soft little giraffe rattles. there was enough for me to get him one and one for each of the memory boxes so we got those. i'd also decided that since my printer had been having problems i would get a new one so i could make copies of the hand and foot prints they were able to get and other things i wanted copies of because i wanted to make a card for each of the kids boxes with the hand and foot prints laminated so they would have those. next on my list was choosing material for his blanket that he would be buried with and i found some really nice blue material that i could get enough to make him a tiny blanket and cut one the same size for each of the boxes. we had to check several departments before finding the boxes we settled on because we kept finding ones that would work but they didn't have enough in stock for what we needed. finally we found the perfect boxes in the craft section that we could put pictures in the sides of so that the boxes would be the same but each persons could be personalized with their own pictures with him or pictures of their choice. finishing the boxes and painting his name and date on will give me something to work on as things slow down and i need to keep busy so i think they will work out very nicely. i decided that it will be best to also laminate the pictures we want to put in the boxes so they will last longer for the kids (especially the little ones that don't know yet where not to touch when looking through the pictures). as we went through the store we ran into several people who commented on ben being there shopping after he had called in and we ended up telling them what was going on so i had a few breakdowns in the middle of walmart but we managed to finish our shopping and went to check out. the cashier made a comment about ben not working and i started bawling and told her why. ben had to run back for an item and she came around and hugged me almost until he got back to the register with me. after we left there we stopped by the mortuary to drop off the suit so they could try to make any adjustments and see if it would work and talked briefly about a day and time for the service. we decided that we would do the service on Friday the 14th at 2:15 pm. i asked about if we could do any viewing for close friends and family and he told me that we couldn't do that so i asked that he at least allow us and the kids to see Elliot in his casket and be there all the way through. he agreed that would be ok so we will be going a little early to say our final goodbyes and seal the casket before transporting it to the cemetery for the services. Friday will be a hard day for all of us and i'm sure i'll spend most of it in tears. we still have to work on getting a permanent marker for his grave but the rest will be taken care of. after making arrangements with him and confirming the time we would come in later to do final paperwork and bring the kids by we went home. i worked on getting a few things organized and decided to sit down and look at some of the pictures. ben went to pick up jenna from preschool and i sat on the couch and cried some more. lizzy is having a hard time understanding when i cry and tells me not to cry and reminds me that she is still here and it is ok. when ben came back i talked to jenna about how school went and if she had told anyone and things went good for her. she told me that one of her classroom helpers had lost a baby too and she got to talk to her teachers and tell her friends. after awhile my parents came over. my dad had ended up taking the day off so they spent some time with us. the boys that went to school had an early release day so they got to come home early and both seemed to have a good day at school. i talked to them about the boxes we were going to make and showed them some of the items from the hospital since they had been asleep before we got home and we didn't get to talk much before school. then we just hung out at the house until time to go see Elliot again. i made his little blanket and made the kids all dress up so we could get a picture of all 6 kids together since it would be our only chance. they don't all like having to dress up at all but none of them fought me much about it and we headed to the mortuary. i had worked hard to not break down so my face wouldn't be quite as puffy and red for our pictures and decided that a little make up could probably help cover how horrible i was looking. we went in and gave the responses so the paperwork for the state could be taken care of and then they took us to the room where they had prepared the body. he was even more tiny looking laying on the big table in the viewing room. they had to order the casket so it won't be in until tomorrow but we each got to hold him and have some time with him and i was able to take a lot of good pictures for our memories. although it was still his tiny body he didn't look the same as when he was born and i was even more grateful for all the pictures i had been able to get when he was born. they told me that by friday he would probably look much darker. i was able to get through the time with Elliot fairly well until it was time to say goodbye again and walk out of the room. once we got home i made the kids get out of their nicer clothes and let them go outside to play while i decided to check out the pictures i'd just taken. before i could get through those we had someone show up with a fresh loaf of bread to go with whatever we decided on for dinner and we visited for awhile before she went on her way. it was starting to get late in the evening so ben started working on dinner for us. by that point i was feeling awfully exhausted physically and emotionally and was suppose to be recovering from delivery and a surgical procedure but had been busy all day long it seemed like so i didn't complain when he got up to do dinner. within a few minutes we got another visitor who brought us a treat and sat with me and let me talk about what was going on. it was nice seeing how much support we have on line and off line. after visiting for awhile she needed to get back home and so we had a late dinner and were just getting ready to work on getting kids off to bed when we got another visitor. he talked more with ben but was checking in to make sure everything was getting taken care of and see how we were doing. once he left i rushed the girls off to get their baths done since it was already well past bed time. my poor 4 year old was so tired that she was ready to fall asleep while i was drying her hair and as soon as i finished drying her hair and told her she could go lay down she found the closest pillow and she was out. my 2 year old wasn't quite so determined to fall right asleep and decided last night instead of falling asleep with her teddy bear she wanted to hold on the the teddy bear for Elliot until she was asleep. as she was falling asleep she was telling me to stop crying again and my 11 year old wandered in saying that he needed another hug so i held him as he broke down and cried with me. we talked for awhile and my 10 year old came to join us needing held and comforted too. my 6 year old must have been pretty tired because he had fallen asleep right away last night to but the older boys stayed up late talking and crying. i finally convinced them that they needed to try to get some sleep so they could get up in the morning and they went off to bed. i began working on this post but knew it would take some time so once i felt like i might be able to sleep i shut my computer down and went to sleep. i had reached the point where not only was i exhausted in every way but my whole body aches so getting comfortable is not an easy task. i managed to get a few hours of sleep but knew once i woke up i wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. my oldest son was up early and hoping not to have to go to school again so i had him come in and held him again before school while we talked. the kids all ended up trying school again today and ben was nice enough to get up and take them all. once they left i decided i should work on finishing this post (sorry....it's kinda long). lizzy got up for awhile to snuggle me but decided to take an early nap and went back to sleep when i started typing. i told ben that i think it would be good for each of us to take a little time for ourselves before friday. it sounds like he is going to take some time tonight so i will get to take my time tomorrow night. i'm sure the next few days will stay a little busy but that is probably good for now. it has been such a comfort to know of all the support we have and how my little boy has made it into the hearts of so many people. if there are parts of this post that don't seem to make much sense i hope you have still made it through because i am not going back to do any editing. i will try to continue posting although my next post may not be until after his services. anyone who would like to attend is welcome to join us at the cemetery in Mtn. Home at 2:15 Friday afternoon. we have a friend who will be doing some pictures for us so we can focus on the service and still have memories to hold onto of our final moments with him here. we are also hoping to have a small get together for those wanting to visit after with some refreshments at the LDS Stake Center in Mtn. Home so it would be helpful if you could send a quick message either to my phone, facebook or let my mom know if you plan to attend so we can start to get an idea of how many people to expect (and forgive me if you send a message and i don't get a chance to respond....you will still be counted but i may be very busy or grieving). here are a few pictures of my precious baby boy for those who would like to see him. the foot prints are so perfect for being only 2cm long. thank you all for your continuous love and support!! it really means a lot to all of us right now

perhaps the hardest day i've ever gone through

the outcome did not end up the way i was hoping :(. Baby Elliot James decided he wanted to come out about 1:40 pm with no pain and no warning. i'm not sure how long before i will be ready to post again but we are working on burial arrangements and everything else

through the weekend and going well :)

another day spent laying on my couch and drinking as much fluids as i can handle (if i suddenly die we can all assume i probably drowned from drinking too much ;) ). things are good today. i got up early and sent the boys off on the buses to school and then managed to get my shower and breakfast in before the girls got up. so far no bleeding today and not really a lot of noticeable leaking so i'm taking that as a good sign. can't wait to get my doppler so i can listen to the baby since movements are not strong or regular yet. my goal today is to drink over a gallon and relax as much as possible. i go back to the doctor on Wednesday and am a bit nervous and excited to see how things are going on the ultrasound and hoping for an excellent report. still working on figuring out regular transportation for Jenna to get to and from preschool on days that Ben or my mom are not available. i've managed to reschedule some other appointments for when i have to be out to go to the doctors office anyways so i won't have to have additional days where i have to go out when i'm not suppose to or make extra trips into Boise if i can take care of things all the same days since i will be going once a week to see the doctor. the kids are doing a great job accepting the fact that i can't get up to do anything and yesterday Mikey wanted to play catch so he found a couple soft balls and sat on the floor across the room so we could throw them back and forth since i can't go out and play with him. lots of adjustments to be made but we are working on things. I'll be 17 weeks on Wednesday and then only 7 more weeks till i'm back at the hospital. prayers are always welcome on our long road ahead. Ben has also decided to set up a blog so anyone who is interested in following any writing he does can view it at randomthingsforyoutoread.blogspot.com 

another day closer

Another day behind me and things are going well. today is the first time i can remember really being excited to lose an hour for daylight saving time but that puts me 1 hour closer to 24 weeks :). i'm sure that sounds silly to a lot of people but all the small things count! i decided to order a fetal doppler so i could listen to babys heartbeat and better monitor how baby is doing while i'm laying around. hopefully i will receive that by thursday. the doctors have me checking my temperature at least twice a day to make sure i do not develop an infection and end up in the ICU myself because that wouldn't be good for anyone. my body is not use to having to be down all the time and not getting up to chase kids and do random things around the house and around town so i'm feeling somewhat sore from not being able to move much. i can tell this is not going to be very comfortable to have to do for weeks. i'm not having any contractions and only get cramps if i move to fast or the wrong directions so i'm taking that as a good sign for now. i still am having some leaking/bleeding which generally tends to be lighter in the mornings and heavier in the evenings. i'm beginning to wonder if that has to do with when and how much water/fluids i'm taking in because i don't drink much while i'm sleeping but as i go throughout the day i try to drink as much as i can so i'm hoping the heavier leaking in the evening is just an indication that i've got plenty of fluids and there is more excess that can come out but i will probably talk to the doc at my next appointment about it. he would not give me any set goal for my fluid intake and simply stated that staying hydrated is good for me but won't make much of a difference with how much fluid the baby has or how the baby will do (everyone else i've talked to seems to disagree with that and thinks it makes a big difference for the baby). i've also read in several places online that getting extra vitamin c can help so i've started taking extra vitamin c because the way i see it is it can't really hurt and anything i can do that might have a chance of helping is a good thing. all 5 of my kids seem to be handling things as well as they can. my 2 year old has had a hard time not being able to climb all over me but loves to come and uncover my tummy to 'kiss her baby' and tell it hi. my husband has had to take on a lot of extra responsibility and is handling it pretty well. i'm sure he is rather stressed but is still doing his best to help me out which i am grateful for. the support from my friends and family has been amazing too with people doing what they can to check up on me and make sure things are taken care of. i hope that all who read through my blog will take a few moments to count all the little blessings that they often overlook and know that the support i get from each of you is more than just a little blessing to me as i go through this time.

praying for a miracle

5:00 a.m. March 4, 2014. 15 weeks and 6 days pregnant i wake up and realize there is a problem. I knew from the beginning that this pregnancy would be high risk but thought any complications would come much later. my water had broken a day short of 16 weeks. I made arrangements as quickly as i could for my 3 boys to get to school and asked my mom to drive my 2 girls and i over to get checked out. The on call doctor told me to come into the specialty office rather than the ER because they would have a better idea of how to handle things and get me in a lot faster. once i got into the exam room the nurse did a quick ultrasound in the room and found that the baby still had fluid and a nice strong heartbeat. everything was looking good. she did a test strip to check for amniotic fluid which showed up negative. the doctor did an exam and found i had a some fluid and blood pooling outside the cervix. still could not confirm for certain whether my water had broken but was concerned with how things were looking. my blood pressure was low and i had a very slight fever. they did a cbc to check if my blood could tell them anything. my white blood count came back high. they took me from there over to the ultrasound room and the doctor started the ultrasound and then left to get an ultrasound tech to help finish things up. although the baby was looking good things were still not seeming quite right and the doctor was afraid the baby might have an infection in which case they would have to induce labor or i would get extremely sick and they could lose both of us. while doing the ultrasound they also found that my cervix was funneling and measuring 1.1cm when it should be over 3cm. we decided to let the doctor pull out some fluid through an amniocentesis for testing and at the same time put some blue dye in with the baby so we could find out for sure if my water had broken. they had me put in a tampon and said if it turned blue then i was definitely leaking. the doctor decided he wanted to keep me over night for observations, to wait for test results and to discuss a plan for handling the short cervix. they brought a wheelchair and transported me to the hospital. once i got settled in i had my mom bring my girls back to my hometown so she could connect them with my husband after he got off work and tried to relax as much as i could while waiting anxiously for results. they checked vitals and had me do a urine sample (which was green and concerned me even more because that means it had blue dye in it). when the doctor finally came in he told me that was normal whether the water broke or not and to expect blue/green urine for the next couple days. he told me that the amnio results came back good showing that the baby did not have an infection at that time. the next question to be answered was whether my water had actually broken or not so they had me take out the tampon with hopes that it would still be white and found that it was definitely blue indicating my water broke. he informed me that the baby had less than a 1% chance of making it to a point where it could survive and even if we make it to that point there is a high risk that the baby will have permanent problems or the lungs may not ever even develop and i would most likely go into labor within 24-48 hours or i could have them induce labor if i wanted but because the baby didn't have an infection they were willing to let me continue naturally and see what happened. i was determined to do whatever i could to give my baby the best chance possible even though the odds are against us. the doctor told me that it would be a miracle if i make it to 24 weeks but if i could get there they would admit me to the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. the first night was incredibly stressful. i began having a lot of pain and cramping but managed to go to sleep for maybe an hour before they came to check on me at midnight. my blood pressure was very low but my temperature wasn't too high. i tried to go back to sleep but the cramping got more severe and i began having contractions. after awhile i went to the bathroom and called the nurse in to see if they could do anything that might help. she offered me Tylenol to help with the pain and told me that my body was probably getting ready to let the baby come out. i asked if she could bring in a Doppler and see if we could listen to the baby and i could record the heartbeat if we could find it. she tried to use the machine in the room but it wouldn't pick the baby up so she went for another machine which immediately found the heartbeat. it was fast but still beating strong. i asked for some hot packs to help with the pain because i don't like taking medications and they couldn't give me anything to stop the contractions i was having anyway. i put a hot pack on my back and laid in bed crying and praying knowing that may baby was still alive and i couldn't give up all hope yet. the pain stayed severe for awhile but i began to feel small breaks  in the pain and decided to try to sleep once the pain became less severe. i managed to fall back asleep between 3 and 4 am and slept until the lady from the lab came to do another blood draw at 6. i woke up with no cramping or contractions, my blood pressure was still slightly low but was closer to normal. i asked to listen to the baby again and found that the babies heart rate was back to normal. i went to the bathroom and then right back to laying down. i was still leaking fluid but things were looking much better than a few hours before. I'd made it past the 24 hour mark!! when the doctor came in i reported on how the night went and he informed me that my white count was still high but not quite as high as the morning before and that he would continue to monitor me. he decided that because of how rough my night was he wanted to keep me overnight again because he was fairly certain if he sent me home I'd be right back. i spent the day trying my best to relax, only getting up to use the bathroom and drinking lots of fluids. the day went well and i had few cramps. the nurse let me know that if i would push my call button throughout the night when i went to the bathroom she wouldn't have to come wake me up in between times to check vitals because she would come take care of it while i was up anyway. before going to sleep i noticed i had some bleeding which was concerning to me but i managed to get a good amount of sleep. i continued to bleed but it was not heavy at all and mostly just when i went to the bathroom. they drew more blood and when the doctor came in to talk to me he said that things were looking good, my white blood count was still high but had again gone down just slightly and i should be able to go home that day but he wanted to keep me till evening because the nurses were concerned that my temperature was back up to 99. i was feeling pretty good and had passed the 48 hour mark that everyone thought I'd go into labor before! i spent the day relaxing and making whatever arrangements i could to simplify my life once i got home. they have someone who does massages in the unit i was in on Thursdays so she came and asked if i would like a massage. after laying in a hospital bed for a couple days i decided that sounded like something i could really use. i told her if i make it back at 24 weeks I'll be sure to tell them to put my name on the list for every week. i asked my husband to pick up a small refrigerator and microwave as well as disposable dishes i could keep by the couch so i wouldn't have to go to the kitchen to take care of breakfast and lunch for my 2 year old and i when no one else was home. i asked the nurses about getting a chair for the bathtub since the bench in the shower at the hospital was quite handy when I'm avoiding being on my feet so they made arrangements for me to have a seat for my showers at home. they finally released me about 5PM and my dad brought me home where i spent the rest of the evening on the couch. The kids were all very excited to see me back home and my husband had worked to get things ready for me to be back and make sure I'd have things set up. after spending 3 days and 2 nights in a hospital bed my bed was SO comfortable and i managed to get a really good night sleep my first night back. my mom came in the morning to take my preschooler to school and was in and out throughout the day helping and checking up on me for my first full day back home until my husband could get off work. it's obvious there will be a lot of adjusting that needs done for all of us but we'll be taking things one day at a time and praying for a miracle. I go back to the doctor at 17 weeks for an ultrasound and to discuss how things are going and am planning on weekly visits until i hit 24 weeks. almost through my second full day home and things are going well :)